we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the day after is always just damage control
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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