I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
