Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
