Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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