How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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