hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
