the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
