First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
