If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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