im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
