I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
