just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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