Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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