I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I have fence marks all over my body
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
