dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
