I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
