you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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