it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize