I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My liver just had a heart attack.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
