just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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