Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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