Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
