apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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