We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
