Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
