Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Holy shit dude........stairs
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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