Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
