After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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