Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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