I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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