am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
