Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My day in three words: secret purse cake
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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