Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
