I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
