i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
