I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize