I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
