After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
