And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
