I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
