no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
