I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
