She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
