It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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