I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
