I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
