Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You're a waste of cheezeits
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
