Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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