Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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