I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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