I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
