I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
You're completely useless in the revolution.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
