even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
