I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
