I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We have so much sex to catch up on
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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