just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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